Author:Dawn DeSantis

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The Battle Between the Autonomy & Belonging

What to expect in this episode:

  1. one of the most complex realms to navigate when were in recovery is the social, is the  interpersonal, is the areas that we get connected and disconnected
  2. One of the things we are working on within recovery, and it’s deeper work, is we’re working on these internal developmental splits
  3. How do you bridge these two conflicting desires? How do we stop leaning too hard into one or the other? Strength through compassion. Compassionate strength. A place where people feel the most whole. 

 

The tension between autonomy and belonging

 

There is a common meme that was floating around in recovery, I think it was in a ted talk based on this study, It said the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection

 

And people love that, they love it because it holds truth. It holds a lot of truth.

 

Probably one of the most complex realms to navigate when were in recovery is the social, is the  interpersonal, is the areas that we get connected and disconnected, intrapersonally inside of ourselves, and interpersonally with each other.

 

What you see with people coming into recovery is you’ll see what I call splits. And splits are…. Dis-Integrated. They are areas of the self in the way that we interact that are not in communication with each other.

 

It’s often why when were talking about human beings we talked about our different parts. Our yin and our yang, our shadow, those kinds of things – the little devil on my shoulder, the angel on my shoulder,

 

You think about the start of these different… subpersonalities, these archetypal characters that exists inside of us often though subpersonalities are split

 

So, the person who is really mature and articulate – I can be very mature and articulate – and then one of my children spills the milk, then suddenly I’m my nine-year-old self. It kind of comes out. Or I have a trickster part of me. Different parts of myself.

 

So one of the things we are working on within recovery, and it’s deeper work, is we’re working on these internal developmental splits. These areas that are unintegrated because we’re shooting for some kind of Integrity.

 

One area were people are split, they are unintegrated that’s a really common and people struggle with it deeply, they’re in deep conflict when they come into recovery is…

 

The tension between autonomy and belonging

 

What that means is, as I’m growing and developing in my adolescence I’m trying to figure out how to become more autonomous.

 

More self-contained, more in myself. Especially as I’m moving away from my family system and then eventually I’m figuring out how to navigate the relationships in my friendship system in a way that doesn’t take too much for me.

 

So I can still have some sense of autonomy and self. So there is this tension that exists in being human between the pull of autonomy – living life as an embodied creature on my own – and belonging. We’re tribal familial creatures that crave deep connection.

 

But if I’m too much on either end I’m lost, right? If I belong too much I get swallowed up and lose my autonomy in my sense of self. We’ve seen that historically with great tragedy.

 

And if I’m too isolated, I’m disconnected from my environment, my Wi-Fi is not working – I don’t know what the hell is happening around me.

 

so what we see people coming into recovery is a split they’re usually afraid of connection because I don’t want to get swallowed up by belonging and they kind of lean heavy towards autonomy.

 

What does that look like?

 

Well, what it looks like psychologically is on the belonging end is over-accommodation. Which we commonly referred to as a people-pleasing, or co-dependence. I’m giving more and more to the people around me at a great cost to myself. I’m over accommodating.

 

It’s one of the most common traits you see addictive personalities. They over-accommodate more and more and more to their family system, to their work, socially. They’re social they’re smiley. They say,

 

“no problem, I love to do that all of this stuff, oh you want a cigarette – oh take two!”

 

They’re not connected with a part of them that gets resentful and frustrated at the cost to themselves when they choose to belong, so they get high. Getting high almost gives them the courage, so to say, to move in the other direction.

 

NO! They get drunk and say, “no – I’m not doing that! How dare you disrespect me”

 

So you see that very often, and then sometimes, I think it’s more rare honestly, maybe 10% of people, are so afraid of belonging that they’ve weighted deep on this other end of autonomy.

 

They’ve completely disconnected from everybody around them their self contained systems all on their own and you can feel that when it walks in the room.

 

And so one of the splits you are trying to navigate is becoming whole in that area. Recognizing the necessity to belong and the necessity to have some sense of autonomy while belonging

 

How that manifest inside the self, often, I think in the psyche is… the sort of… the strength and compassion poles

 

and so often in a conflict and I’m not sure how to be – where something has rubbed up against my ego defenses, I’ll my immediate reaction is “I need to be strong here” if I’m not a very deferential person

 

If I push back too hard and then feeling guilty and ashamed at having like pushed back too hard so I have this other mode

 

Which is compassion and understanding.

 

Which is: people are having their feelings and emotions and I’m compassionate understanding

 

If I’m too compassionate and understanding I end up feeling weak and deferential. Like I accommodated too much of this person’s being, thoughts, ideas, whatever it was. Behaviors.

 

So what’s the solution for that internally?

 

This is high-level work, this isn’t day-one work, this is 10 year 20 year work. And this is for everybody not just addicts. But for addicts, I think it’s crucial point.

 

Strength through compassion, I call it.

 

That there’s actually a space that exists inside human beings that is incredibly compassionate and incredibly strong at the same time.

 

Meaning, I go all it in compassion but not in a differential way.

 

I fight for compassion, reasonably inside of myself inside the world.

 

It’s really high-level work but when you find that space of strength through compassion. Strength AND compassion, all in one let’s call it frequency,  that’s when humans feel the most whole.

 

Strength through compassion.

 

Schedule a 30-min consultation with Yeshaia or Adam

 

Schedule Free ConsultationSchedule Free Consultation

 

We can help you find a way to bridge the gap between belonging and autonomy

 

 

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Therapy and the Subconscious

What to expect in this episode:

  1. Therapy is built on a particular premise: I don’t understand myself
  2. A lot of times, people don’t know how to do therapy, I think there are certain modalities of therapy where of instructing the client is helpful
  3. Approaching what’s happening in the background (unconsciously), a little more actively than people often do, you see much more profound effects.

 

Therapy can be aided by identifying unconscious thoughts

 

Therapy is built on a particular premise which is:

 

“I don’t understand myself”

 

and there are forces and drives inside of me that manifest in my feelings, my emotions, my behaviors, the thoughts and images inside of my mind that I’m not aware of.

 

That there is a hidden realm to the consciousness and Freud and Jung and the founders of analysis came along and that was a discovery.

 

Now everybody gets that and knows that, it’s seeped into modern culture and nomenclature. I think often people don’t give, this is a tricky thing to say – it’s actually not accurate, but worth thinking about

 

A lot of times, people don’t know how to do therapy right. Now sometimes that’s good, because the therapist wants to work with whatever is in the room, they don’t want to instruct the client.

 

But I think there are certain modalities of therapy where of instructing the client on the most helpful way to approach the therapeutic process is actually helpful. But I had to discover that on my own.

 

I never had a therapist say, “Hey it might be more helpful if you do this” – ever! Which is kind of incredible considering the variety of therapeutic approaches that exist

 

I’ve found that in therapy, for me at this phase of my life, that being conscious of the things that aren’t in the front of my mind but in the back of my mind and speaking them out loud is helpful.

 

I’ll give an example.

 

I’m sitting in the room with the therapist picks up on some hesitation or some resistance that I have and then says “what’s going on” and I say “I’m feeling frustrated right now”

 

  • “okay what’s that about”

 

and I say “I’m feeling helpless in this process of therapy.”

 

And she goes “oh. Are you concerned that I can’t help you? Is that what’s coming up in the room right now?”

 

I say something but actually, in the back of my mind, I have an image of myself picking up the chair this to the right of us and breaking it in front of her and just raging 🔥

 

So instead of just saying what I say, in the midst of therapy, I’ll say – “wait a minute, I just had an image flash in my mind of me breaking a chair right in front of you and raging” – and then we work with that

 

If one of the points of certain types of therapy is to gain access to the parts of ourselves that we’re not really conscious of then I think approaching what’s happening in the background, maybe a little more actively than people often do, you see much more profound effects. In terms of your own understanding, biases, belief systems that are buried real deep in the bottom of the mind.

 

There are plenty of therapists that will disagree with that and they are 100% correct and I’m just putting that out there for the one person who goes, “oh wow you know I have those images in my mind that I don’t share that with my therapist and I’ve had them for months or years”

 

Schedule a 30-min consultation with Yeshaia

 

Schedule Free ConsultationSchedule Free Consultation

 

Find out if we can help you raise the bottom 

 

 

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Professional Meet & Greet at Recover Integrity

Hey Neighbors, 👋

We want to get to know you, build up our personal & professional relationship, and feed you snacks! ☕️🍩

Please stop by for coffee & appetizers as we formally introduce ourselves, get to know you and fellow health care professionals in the building, 🏥 and learn how we can positively contribute to our respective missions.

A core value of Recover Integrity is building a family-like community, and we want to build that out into our professional neighborhood.

We are actively looking to connect with nutritionists, trauma specialists, and eating disorder specialists – so, please! Feel free to bring guests.

📍 12301 Wilshire Blvd, #206, Los Angeles, CA 90025-1073, United States

📧 Questions: admin@recoverintegrity.com

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luxury living room of luxury private drug rehab in LA, Recover Integrity
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Why Choose Private Drug Rehab

The opioid epidemic and alcohol addiction have affected millions of Americans, in fact, most people can say they or someone very close to them, have been touched by the massive consequences of drug and alcohol addiction; with the likelihood of death by opioid overdose officially passing car accident deaths for the first time in 2018. Drug rehab programs provide individualized, expert care for those struggling with drug and alcohol addictions, giving them the platform and foundation to maintain long-term sobriety.

 

Smaller Sized Programs

Private or luxury drug rehabs tend to have smaller, more individualized programs.

 

Anonymity

At a larger facility, it is only possible to have a limited amount of privacy. The more people swirling around the patient, the more hesitant the patient may be about opening up about his or her issues. People might find it less intimidating to take the next steps to recovery if they don’t feel overwhelmed by the number of bodies on the premises.

 

The role of shame

Deciding to go to rehab is humbling. The process is hard. Hard on your body, hard on your soul, hard on your mind. Shame can be an enormous hurdle for those reaching out for help. Even when a person is in a location where everyone else is going through similar circumstances, there can still be a sense of shame associated with being at a rehab facility. The privacy and general comfort of a luxury facility help to ease the tension in the mind, allowing healing to take the forefront. When a participant feels like he or she has room to breathe the impact of shame may be reduced drastically.

 

True family environment at Recover Integrity

In a smaller facility it is easier to connect on a one-on-one basis with other patients. Participants will have the benefit of connecting with his or her peers, developing friendships and a sense of family that will help remove the discomfort of recovery. Additionally, patients also will get to know the staff better, as there will likely be fewer employees present.

 

Beautiful, Luxurious Environment

 

Environment Affects Treatment

The serenity that comes with a luxurious rehab facility can greatly affect the effectiveness of the program. If a person who is already uneasy is put in a facility that is stressful, this will only exacerbate the feelings of anxiety that the patient is already experiencing. A lovely nature-filled environment can have an instantly calming effect on someone who has been through months or years of a very difficult addiction.

 

Comfort | Enduring Long Term Care

Because many patients will need to stay at a treatment center for a long period of time, comfort is of the utmost importance. People undergoing the recovery process will be tempted to return to their addiction over and over again. However, if they are in a new environment that they know will help them feel settled and at ease, they will be more likely to turn to those things that soothe them than to the addiction that has made life so difficult for them.

 

Amenities

Another aspect of environment is the amenities that are provided. Some of these amenities include mindfulness training activities such as yoga and meditation, which can have extremely positive effects on cognitive functions. Exercise programs are also often provided in a private rehab facility. Exercise has been consistently proven to have positive results, not only on the body, but also on the mind.  During aerobic activity, endorphins are released and the stress hormone, cortisol, is reduced. Even the cuisine at a private rehab facility has a re-energizing effect on patients. Those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction will often forgo a healthy diet, and being in a facility that provides balanced and nutritious meals will help restore the physical strength and stamina of the participants. Both exercise and healthy diet can also have a positive effect on self Image, which is crucial so that the patients will believe in their own ability to fully recover.

 

Individualized Programs

 

Tailored Treatment Options

Every patient needs a different plan for recovery that fits his or her particular needs and backgrounds. Private facilities ensure that each individual receives this type of tailored and extensive attention. A plan of action that is created specifically to address a patient can help staff to pinpoint things such as triggers, pre-existing psychological conditions and the effectiveness of different treatment options.

 

Family Input

Because the staff at a rehab facility is only slightly familiar with the incoming patients, they have a lot of catching up to do. They have limited access to a person’s deeply personal information, as a patient might not be comfortable releasing those tidbits to a stranger. Family members who have known the patient for his or her whole life can provide indispensable details that may have otherwise not been revealed. These details can be crucial to the development and updating of a patient’s individual program.

 

Personalized Attention

In a larger facility, it can be easy for a patient to fall through the cracks or to feel like they are just another number. In a private facility, every patient receives extensive individual attention. The staff becomes very well acquainted with every individual’s particular set of needs. Patients also receive very close supervision from the medical staff, enabling the staff to provide input into problems that are arising during treatment that may be hindering the recovery process.

 

No waitlist

Large facilities tend to have astronomical waitlists because of the low cost to enter.  This can be detrimental to someone who is currently experiencing an addiction. When someone is ready to receive treatment, it is important to strike while the iron is hot, so a waitlist is not an ideal situation to encounter for those who need help immediately.  A more costly, private facility naturally limits the number of patients, simply based on the ability to pay, resulting in little-to-no delay in enrollment.

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